Be a friend or BEFRIEND

As I sit and read about brokenness by Henri Nouwen, a statement he makes about the people we most associate with pain and suffering strikes me.  Just prior to sitting down reading, my husband and I were talking about poverty as not just the lack of financial resources, proper nutrition and shelter but also the lack of life skills and human support and connection.  I was inclined to write a bit about how I am feeling at this moment in time.  Each day I sit and listen to people with mental disorders share their inner most feelings and odd thoughts and behaviours.  However, my first response is to give them an example of someone else in a similar situation or a person who once felt this way but has improved their life.  But is this right?  Of course I do the active listening, paraphrasing, and asking clarifying questions, etc., but am I present?

I would like to share with you what I read in Henri Nouwen’s book, Life of the Beloved.

“Although people suffer from physical and mental disabilities, and although there is a great amount of economic poverty, homelessness, and lack of human needs, the suffering on a day-to-day basis is the suffering of the broken heart.  There is immense pain between husbands and wives, parents and children, friends, and colleagues.  In the Western world, the suffering that seems to be the most painful is that of feeling rejected, ignored, despised and left alone.” 

Even though we can blame government for lack of funding and poor professionals in the field of mental health and health care in general, we as a society and human beings could do more.  It really is a simple solution, however, is more difficult than it is said. Being present is hard with busy lives and many distractions.  When is the last time you sat and listened and did not offer another example to make someone feel better about his or her situation?  As I read this chapter on brokenness, I wondered if offering solutions is even productive.  Suffering is individual I believe, and no one person suffers exactly the same as another, therefore, as suffering people, we can acknowledge those we see standing on the streets, offer a blessing in the way of a smile, live in pain with others, BEFRIEND these people.  Perhaps this is a solution for the poor person, but perhaps it is also a solution for the non-poor who helps.  One of life’s biggest fears is that someone finds out about our deepest secrets.  Maybe this allows someone to experience friendship and acceptance and maybe this is something we need to humble our lives and know the people we live with in this world.

For the average population, this idea of rejection and being ignored is not so distant of an idea, as it is difficult to feel as though we measure up in a society where media tells us to be a certain way, to feel beautiful, and gain friendships.  Billboards and elaborate malls make consumption more efficient, however, the brokenness inside does not feel blessed by these things but gives false hope and in the end feel rejected. 

I think most people can honestly say that the first response to pain whether it is personal or seen in someone else is to push it away, ignore, and deny it. Of course it is difficult to be in pain or see and be involved in others’ pain, and with it comes more confusion and darkness. I believe that this is a common feeling, but would like the challenge myself against this natural tendency to allow this to be my blessing to others as well as use it as a blessing to others.  Perhaps this is healing on both accounts.  My hope for others that they find someone who is suffering (that’s not the hard part) and sit and listen and accept that they feel this way.  Giving silence and showing the good in them with a bit of grace and presence may just give them trust that they are valuable and blessed, rather than rejected and cursed in a world that was once out to get them.  I hope to spread this word, and if you read this, I would like this to be something you consider as well.

As Henri Nouwen would tell us: The greatest joys in life come from our feeling of acceptance and usefulness in helping another person.  I hope this is something I can begin to be more intentional with in my life.  Being present, befriending and eliminating the poverty of rejection.

Type A Wedding: Day 3

July 24, 2012.

Today was a day of forgetting.  I forgot a few things at work, and I forgot who I have contacted about some things.  I think I just have too much going on.  I finish work tomorrow and then hit the road to attend a wedding, this is where my fiance and I will also reunite after a few weeks.  Looking forward to this.  Planning a wedding when your partner lives further away is difficult.  We have often mentioned that some things have been "anti-climatic" and not we had expected.  I guess this situation is different and we are about to begin some exciting times.  Starting the countdown off with a road trip!!  One our favourites.  Come with us please, we're looking forward to new planning and preparation adventures as we head out onto the road, a road for many destinations. 

Type A Wedding: Day 2

Well today was great, gave me some good insight.  No insight about weddings in particular, but in my own personal life.  A psychologist spoke about some research she has been doing with mindfulness.  What an interesting thing, however, it seems difficult to so many.  We spoke about the DOING mode versus the BEING mode. We did some relaxing exercises where we were asked to visualize and really focus on sights, sounds, textures, etc.  The point of this was to compare what we observe when we live a life on "auto-pilot," the DOING.  What I come to realize is that hours, days, and sometimes weeks pass and I have observed virtually none of this because I let the DOING mode take over and forget what is around me, simple things, things I can touch, look at, enjoy everyday, but don't.  We spoke about how sometimes we do things repetitively and call them chores, the example used was gardening.  We know we plant things to make our yards and houses look nice and colourful in the summer months, however, they require care.  This is work, we water them, pull weeds and trim them, however, this is where it ends.  The story we were hearing about described a lady who went from the DOING mode to the BEING mode and was able to really enjoy the experience.  SHe described the sights and sounds around her, she truly began to be in the garden and became mindful to the world around her that she rarely stops to observe.  I thought, wow, and today, I felt kind of weird.  I cannot described it but it was difficult for me to really stop doing and start being, but I was trying and I was realizing that many of the things that stress me out, are really interesting, funny, enjoyable, etc.  I am truly thankful for this recognition, it couldn't have appeared at a better time.

Type A Wedding: Day 1

All that is going through my mind is SEATING PLAN.  Will it get done?  Of course, it has to.  When my fiance reassured me about getting it done together, and that it will be no problem, which it probably will not be, what did I do?  I continued to plan for when we can do it and how we will do it.  I had to cut myself off and tell myself, this is not something you should lose sleep over.  This is one task that can be done in a few hours (or less).  No problem, my mind was eased thanks to a patient partner and some self-talk.  Off to the cafe I went to use the internet to do some emailing, catching up, the usual.  About an hour at the cafe, I had not touched my drink and was knee deep into crunching numbers for the seating plan.  Seriously though, what is wrong with me?  I came to the conclusion that it has nothing to do with the seating plan, it has all to do with myself thinking that its 2 weeks before the wedding and I SHOULD be busy doing things.  But, I realize, that could it be that we are organized and we have some time to complete things.  While my fiance is out on the road with some friends for another wedding, my mind is racing thinking I need to be compensating for us not being able to work on things together the past few weeks. Why do I feel I need to take on things alone for something that involves two people equally?  Because I am miss independent and I like to be in control.  Time let up on that control, not just for wedding planning but for our new partnership. I started chatting with him on the computer and he kindly allowed me to make somewhat of a schedule for when he returns and we hit the road for our own wedding. I felt better seeing that there was a PLAN in front of me and was able to give up some of my control over this.  I packed up and went home and spent the rest of the day with me.

Type A Wedding: The Countdown

First of all, when I look back on my life I laugh at all the times I recall saying, "I'm just fine on my own," and "I don't have a desire to be married."  I was right back then, however, things have changed.  I have met and fell in love with a wonderful person and he is like no one I have ever met before.  The love I receive and feel for him is so real, yet such a mystery.  We drive each other mad at times but are able to patch things up.  Some of the things I have done and said to him would have driven other guys away and probably vice versa.  So there ought to be a reason we are together and there must be a reason why we are best friends…..

I am a Type A personality, I would say.  I can be laid back, but that isn't something that comes first for me, I like to have a plan, I worry, and I predict things that I think are going to happen.  Sound familiar?  If anyone who has these traits in common with me, you may understand these characteristics and have some of the same thoughts going through our head as we approach a big event, such as, a marriage.  I am 13 days away from being married to the greatest man, and would like to journal with my readers a little of what goes through my head each day as it approaches. Some things may be as simple as wedding details and plans and some might be deep feelings I am experiencing about being married.  I hope this reassures others who are headed in this direction, that they are not crazy, it happens, and we get over the worry and fears and neurotic tendencies.  Let's just make a pack though;  we are in relationship with our love who with God, we are taking the path into an exciting new land where it can look dark and there will be great light, but we chose one another because of something incredibly special, someone who will continue to love us despite our Type A'ness.

Stigma is the Difference

STIGMA is the DIFFERENCE

Years ago, people could enter a dark place and stare at other people who were deliberately caged in or locked up.  These unfortunate individuals would be ridiculed and abused by on-lookers who considered this a spectacle by non-humans, deranged monsters, completely abnormal behaviours.  There are many accounts of people who were 'misunderstood' or 'psychotic,' who could be made a public event, where those who assumed they were 'normal,' could observe in amazement at other people. This was quite confusing for these on-lookers, the individuals they were watching seemed to be composed of the same body parts as themselves, but how could this person act so differently?  One case I have read about lately, in absolutely disgust, is the Bedlam Institute in the 18th century, London, England where it was similar to a Sunday routine of attending church.  Residents and visitors only had to pay one copper penny to gawk with judgement at mentally ill patients.  Sure, psychiatric facilities have come a long way since these acts of evading personal dignity and privacy of real human beings, however, in some ways, this is still the case, just less public and more humane.

Although, I do not have an extensive resume of the human services career, and I am only approximately three years deep in working in Mental Illness and Community Health, however, I am saddened, no less than I was the first time I heard this explanation to a struggling individual who has been diagnosed with the poor prognosis of an ongoing, non-curable mental illness.  This person will now be ordered to follow a strict medication regime that will ultimately change their overall functioning and personality, leaving them numb, tired, and unknown to themselves.  On top of that, they will now be told that if they take this medication they will be able to be employed, have a job, and possibly a family.  Although this is a true hope for someone with these circumstances and it is definitely not impossible for this to happen, but there are implications.  The most significant of this, they have not escaped the STIGMA of being mentally ill, now running the risk of acquiring a secondary diagnosis of depression or anxiety.  They have most likely been to a hospital, have difficulty holding down responsibility of holding a job, or maintaining their daily lives in a way that would consider them a functioning adult. Their thoughts are preoccupied and they are unable to stay focussed on small simple goals.  What I hear while sitting with a team of allied health professionals or in a Psychiatrists office at a client appointment, I am hurt and angered by, and to be in that client's shoes would make me feel very misunderstood.

I hear this, time after time:  "You have to take your medication."  "Treat it as if it were a terminal illness, such as, Cancer or DIabetes."  Does this bother you? I ask, how do these illnesses compare?  So I don't work with individuals who have been diagnosed with cancer per se, but I have had individuals in my life touched by cancer, and there are people who battle blood sugar levels at my witness.  The physical repercussions of going through a cancer treatment can only be imagined as complete and utter discomfort, fear, pain, the list could go on.  In the following thoughts, I am going to use cancer as the comparison, simply because it is commonly a disease that has presented in most people's lives. 

Each time I hear a person who is being convinced to take medications for their delusions or hallucinations, and treat it the same as if they had to treat cancer or diabetes, I am left unsettled.  First of all, these medications leave them feeling disoriented from who they know themselves to be with ongoing uncomfortable and undesirable side effects.  Then it is followed by telling them they can go get a job and are thrown the resources.  Down the road the typical situation is that the side effects are so undesirable that they give up and stop taking meds, land in hospital or are reported in some way to authorities for demonstrating overt and possibly dangerous behaviour. Over time, hospitals run out of room and psychiatry becomes a "one-stop shop" for patients.  Here is the problem: there is a lack of understanding and support in hospitals for these patients.  Stigma is their enemy at this point in their illness.

Comparing the diagnosis of schizophrenia with cancer seems to me, very irrational.  

Here is the scenario: a woman is diagnosed with devastating news that she has cancer and will undergo a series of treatments that will make her sick, and her family will go through a lot.  Family, friends, acquaintances, community members will come to her bed side and support her in her fight against cancer.  The family will experience that people are so giving and caring in these situations and they will feel love and a sense of community throughout this unknown path she is on.  

Now compare this scenario:  A young woman ends up in the hospital after the police had been called on her for acting out in the street, perhaps she was seen talking with herself, perhaps she was speaking with disorganized thoughts that seemed absurd.  She is in the hospital for a few days while an assessment of her mental stability is is completed and she is discharged, a referral to an agency might have been made, depending on the hospitals psychiatric team and she is given a prescription for an anti-psychotic.  This woman is known to have a first onset of psychosis and is quickly diagnosed after one assessment and a few months later she is admitted again and kept for less time than before. This woman is known to be mentally ill, has no one bringing her to hospital, people are calling the police on her, it is unknown where she lives, works, etc etc.  This woman is now on the record and will be known each time she enters the hospital as a "crazy person".  This is a general overview, however, I am referred these chronic cases of individuals who have repeated hospitalizations all the time.  

The difference is obvious, right?

The person who is diagnosed with cancer is examined extensively, the family is brought in, they gain more family, friends, and community support.  People in their lives tend to increase, people flock to someone who has been diagnosed with cancer.  What happens with the person who received a diagnosis of Schizophrenia over the course of a day, and has been apprehended repeatedly and shows up at hospital, when this person may not even know why and is all alone and then is discharged after a dose of medication and a prescription?  Well rarely do I see people flocking to this individual and I certainly do not feel it is fair to compare this person to a person who has cancer.  

The physical and mental struggles are different.  The cancer patient can still mentally feel like the same person they were the day before, and the day before that, physically, of course, they may feel different.  The individual with Schizophrenia can feel detached, disoriented and medication is not always going to fix this.  Even with complete compliance, they don't have people supporting them, and less people coming to encourage their fight.  I am not saying those with mental illness lose people, and many have very supportive family members.  The cancer patient out on the street receive sympathy.  The mentally ill out on the street might get started at or avoided.  This is a sad situation to me.  

If you ever encounter a health care professional comparing treatment of a person with a mental disorder to someone who has cancer or diabetes, and prescribe that this person has to take medication to treat their symptoms in the same way, evaluate what comparison is being made.  I am angry at this comparison.  A mental disorder such as Schizophrenia is not going away, but the people around them are.  Lets move toward their battle instead of moving away.  To reiterate, I do believe cancer is serious and it is amazing the support and encouragement this person can receive.  Now imagine someone who has a mental illness reports this to you (which is quite unlikely, because of stigma), lets flock in support of their recovery or their battle.  Its not contagious and may even teach you a lot about what our society (especially health professionals) are not doing for these individuals and move you to act and lend the same support.  

I encourage you to spend some time analyzing this man's experience both as an advocate of psychiatric care and mental health and his personal experience of being diagnosed with cancer and the comparison in treatment he discovered.  http://www.mindfreedom.org/as/act-archives/inter/mfire/cancer-psychiatry.  

  

I Have Gifts That You Don’t Have, and You Have Gifts I Don’t Have.

     Recently, I have started to read a book called God is Not a Christian by Desmond Tutu.  He discusses tolerance, interfaith and oppressed groups.  In one chapter he discusses an African worldview, they refer to as UBUNTU, which is a term representing the idea that “a person is a person through other persons.”  No matter where we come from we need other humans, otherwise we cannot function completely in the world.  It teaches us not only trivial things like walking and talking, but it teaches to get along with other people. Tutu makes a comparison to Descartes who is famous for believing the phrase “I think, therefore, I am.”  Tutu changes that view into “I am because I belong.”  We are created to be part of a family, we are created for togetherness, and we are human and also subhuman.  This is a beautiful thing, all people need is other people to learn, grow and think.  This really made me begin to think of all the people I know in my job and the commonality among all those who struggle.  That is the sense of belonging, being in connection, being vulnerable to allow other humans to enter their hearts.  The students have been abandoned and left to fend for themselves, therefore not learning Ubuntu.  Ubuntu encompasses generosity, hospitality, compassion, caring and sharing.  When this lacks, life becomes grey and the path unclear, especially for young people who are trying to find their way.  Without the experience of belonging in a group of other humans, we cannot know what is right and what comes next, therefore, making “bad decisions.” For teenagers who are lacking a supportive family and home environment are told they make bad decisions, this makes me shake my head.  These may seem like bad decisions, but they had to make this decision not knowing the right thing to do and without having other people to watch and collaboratively learn together, they are left in the dark to do this alone.  Troubled young people may be from poor families and may be “less fortunate” so to speak, however, it is not the material things that make them “less fortunate” because they lack what is important, other people.  Especially in today’s society, even the families who are rich with material possessions, lack human beings.  Unbuntu speaks of the intrinsic worth of a person as not dependent on extraneous things such as status, race, creed, gender, or achievement.  I believe for many families today, rich and poor, this has been lost.  Materialism has gone beyond its essential purpose and use.  Tutu described groups of people who had Ubuntu, as families who worked together and learned to develop as humans with one another, if we could achieve this we could see a switch, we would be compassionate and gentle, we could use our strength on behalf of the weak, and we would not take advantage, we would treat others as what they are: Human beings.  Although this may be thought of as an old concept, however, today in African family life, Ubuntu is still greatly admired and followed.  Our western world has moved towards individualism.  This creates loneliness, even when surrounded by people.  An example to illustrate this is the typical bystander scenario.  There is an attack across the street and passerby’s can walk past without being involved.  More and more people have learned to separate them self from other people.  Ubuntu lessens the distance with others, and it eliminates the status of success and failure, it gets rid of the idea that we can discard other people because they are poor or different.  Ubuntu reminds us that we belong in God’s family, which is the human family.  Take a moment, walk down the street, acknowledge people around you.  Acknowledge your family and allow them to belong with you, don’t move them into a dark and unclear road, and allow them to live in God’s family.  Try to understand the African worldview of Ubuntu, because the greatest good, says Tutu, is the communal harmony.